Friday, October 9, 2009

Rush to See BM

As some of you already know, my dad and I were planning to drive to the birthmother's state on Monday so we could be close whenever she goes into labor. Since this is her fourth baby, I’m expecting her labor to progress pretty quickly and I don’t want to miss the delivery. That was all fine and dandy. I’d told birthmother a week or two ago that we’d be coming down a few days early and that she and I could go to lunch or something to meet in person and have some time to chat face-to-face. It felt like everything was going smoothly and I was starting to relax and really get excited. Big mistake.

Last Friday I got an email from birthmother in response to some pictures of the nursery that I’d sent her. That is the email in which she dropped the bomb of having named the baby. Now I get that you can’t just call the baby “it” for an entire pregnancy, but I didn't know that she'd already named the baby. It just never came up before now. I didn't want to refer to the baby by the name that we'd picked out because I didn't want to upset her. I guess I just assumed that eventually she would ask us what name we were planning to use. Maybe we could have come up with a name together, as a bonding experience. But she didn't. She's picked a first name, a middle name, and a nickname. What's really interesting is that the baby's middle name is the female version of the birthfather's name (such as Alex and Alexa or Samuel and Samantha). Is she naming the baby after him? Awesome. That’s just fabulous. Let’s name the baby after the man who’s been slapping you around for the last few months. That’s just super.

The email went on to give a lot of suspicious sounding information about how birthfather cried when he saw the pictures because he wanted to make the baby a crib (apparently now he’s a master carpenter, funny how he couldn't get a job because he didn't have any marketable skills before...), but that the baby would have just ended up sleeping in THEIR bed with THEM. That he’s always wanted a little girl (Really? Because he had a raging fit when birthmother tried to contact his grown, estranged children a few weeks ago), and he just doesn’t understand how they could let someone else raise THEIR baby. How he’s so unselfish and kind and how he loves her so much. Excuse me?! What about when he was arrested for attacking you with a knife and trying to stab you in the stomach? Did you forget that little detail??

So I had a little mini meltdown Friday afternoon and got myself all worked up and upset. I’ve had a very difficult time dealing with this woman. I don’t trust her. But my not trusting her makes me feel guilty for not trusting her. So I try to put aside all my fears and anxieties so I can really open up to her, so we can really get to know each other and build a relationship. I’m trying very hard to be compassionate and understanding, but it’s a struggle. And just when I feel like I’m starting to make some progress with all of that, she says things like she did in that email and it sets me off all over again. I’ve come to the conclusion that, as much as I want to open my heart to her, I just can’t. I can’t risk the hurt that she has the power to dish out, I really can’t. At some point, I have to think about protecting myself because no one else is going to do it!

I sent the email on to our agency because I was upset and needed to vent. Their email was acting up all weekend, so she didn’t get my message and call me back until yesterday. She agreed with my concerns, particularly because birthmother has been playing this game of telling one person one story and telling the next person something completely different. To the BM's attorney: Birthfather is really important in my life and he needs to go to counseling just as much as I do. To Mary: I’m just helping him out and being nice to him so he’ll go along with the adoption and not make a fuss. What?? To us: I don't want to have anything to to with him. We're done.

Now BM is throwing a last minute tantrum and going on and on about how she doesn’t know us and how can she give her baby to someone that she barely knows… well that's because she won't talk to me! She ignored me for the first couple of weeks and wouldn’t return my messages. What the hell was I supposed to do?? She lives over six hours away. I can’t exactly hop in the car and come visit you every week for your doctor’s appointments. That costs me money. Money that I don’t have anymore because I've spent it all on paying your bills.

After speaking at length with Mary and our attorney, it was decided that James and I need to go to her state this weekend to meet with birthmother and birthfather, assuage their fears, and just try to salvage this train wreck as best we can. Now don’t misunderstand me, I can completely understand why she’s having a little last minute anxiety. And I understand that the strain of being 39 weeks pregnant will add to that anxiety. I’m not upset about all of that. It's only natural. What upsets me is how inconsistent she’s been since the beginning. What upsets me is how selfish she’s been and how she’s been milking this process for all it’s worth in money and attention.

Our attorney pointed out that stable, mature, responsible people don’t usually place their babies up for adoption (although most birthmothers aren't this unstable and irresponsible). Unfortunately for us, it’s the unstable, immature, irresponsible, people who have issues with telling the truth, who have issues with their pasts, or are bi-polar, or have anger management problems, or who do drugs, or who live with abusive boyfriends.... those are usually (though not always thank God) the people who place their babies for adoption.

And it makes me sad because she has sucked all the joy out of this experience. The birth of a child should be an awe-filled miracle that excites and creates wonder and happiness. I wanted us to get to know each other, to be friends. But instead, I’m so upset and nervous that I feel like I’m going to puke any minute.

So please just pray for us. Pray that the labor goes smoothly. Pray that both birthmother and baby are healthy and strong after the delivery. Pray that birthmother finds some comfort and peace with the decision that she’s made. Pray that she will put her trust in God to get her through this difficult time. And pray that I don’t stroke out somewhere on I-20 during my drive today.

I will keep everyone posted as things progress.

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