The thing I have struggled with the most since our disruption last October is the idea of trusting another birthmother to not do the very same thing. Right after our profile went back on the website, I spoke at length with our agency about how we would relate to our next birthmother. In a way, I almost feel sorry for whoever decides to pick us the next time. As much as we want to get to know her and build a relationship with her, and as hard as we might try to do so, there will always be a piece of us that resists out of fear. It's so sad. We have a lot of love to offer both baby and birthmother, but I often wonder how much of it will be unconsciously withheld from the birthmother until after we've brought our baby home and our hearts are safe from the anguish she has the potential to impart.
This is something that has plagued my thoughts for several months. How do we simultaneously open our hearts and make ourselves vulnerable while protecting ourselves from the painful possibility of another loss? The answer is that we can't. It's literally impossible to be both vulnerable and protected at the same time. But protecting our hearts would almost certainly alienate a birthmother from us, driving her further away and perpetuating exactly what we've been afraid of all along. So the only option left is to trust and to love, and that is a very frightening thing. How do I give my heart to someone who might break it?