Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Everything Fell Apart

As I’m writing this, that sick feeling at the pit of my stomach that I first felt yesterday afternoon is beginning to return. My heart is pounding again and I can feel my hands shaking, but I need to get this out while I’ve still got the protection of the numbness that has overcome me. If I wait too long to tell everyone the bad news, I will have to face all the hurt that I’m trying so hard not to feel. And I just can’t bear that right now.

Birthmother had the baby sometime on Monday or Tuesday. Since she never called to tell me, I don’t know exactly when. I don’t know who drove her to the hospital, since it was supposed to be me. As of Sunday afternoon, when BM spoke to Mary about how well things were going, everything was right on track to proceed as planned. But sometime after that, BF got to her. I can only assume that he further emphasized his threats of leaving her if she went through with the adoption, that he gave her some kind of ultimatum, because ultimately she broke and gave in. BM has decided to keep the baby.

I can’t begin to express everything that I’m feeling because I’m trying so hard not to feel anything at all. In my gut, I’ve known for a long time that she was going to do this to me. I knew that she would wait until the day the baby was born to break my heart. I knew and yet I told myself that it was stupid to be so paranoid. So I convinced myself that I was just afraid and that I should face my fears head-on by trying to trust her.

The strange thing is that, although I would expect to be overcome with anger and deep-seeded hatred for this woman, all I can feel for her is pity and utter sorrow. I cannot imagine loving myself so little that I would choose to stay with a man who had used and mistreated me the way that he has used and mistreated her. And I am sad for the two little girls she now has to raise, because they are going to grow up without any strong female role models. They are going to learn that it is acceptable for a man to treat them like trash. And they will likely grow up and allow themselves to be mistreated by men the same way that their mother was. And I think that hurts me almost as much as the devastating loss we have suffered.

I have more to say, but I can’t put it into words right now. I drove home from her state late last night, so I’m going to busy myself with putting the house back together. Hopefully I can fill my time to keep the pain at bay, at least until James can come home next week.

Thank you for your love and prayers. They are a comfort to me.

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