Thursday, September 10, 2009

Learning to Let Go

One of the hardest aspects of this whole process has been learning to let go of the need to be in absolute control at all times. Anyone who knows me really well knows that I’m a planner. I like to have everything neatly organized well enough ahead of time that I can have back up plans for my back up plans… just in case something goes wrong. Even in preparing for the unexpected, I keep a tight grip on my illusion of reality so that nothing is ever really out of my control. As soon as something unplanned comes up, I can very quickly reach over and right it before anyone has a chance to notice.

I think it stems from my feelings of total helplessness during James’ first deployment and especially during his most recent… when life just seemed to be spinning out of control faster than I could keep up. Simply letting go was never an option because I was too afraid of how hard I would hit the ground when I fell. I profess that I trust in God enough to know that he’ll catch me when I start to fall… but I set up a safety net at the bottom anyway.

Learning to trust the path He’s laid out for me has not been easy, but it’s something I’m working on very hard. No amount of worrying and fussing is going to make the hard times any easier. In fact, it’ll only make them worse. And it makes me FEEL so much worse. The only thing I can do is to quiet my fears and anxieties, close my eyes, and leap. Leap, knowing that His hands are there to catch me. And while I may not land where I expected to, He will always set me right where I am supposed to be. In that, I can take comfort.

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