Monday, August 24, 2009

Stresses, Anxieties, and Worries

Just a note before I begin: I already wrote this blog once, but I’m a complete idiot and clicked off this page before I could save it. Just perfect. I’ll make this second attempt at writing my blog much shorter.

Home Study Update
We’re finished with the home visits by the social worker. Since then I’ve been busily trying to compile the following items:
-Copy of our marriage license
-Copy of our 2008 tax return
-Copy of James’ pay stub
-Three notarized letters of reference
-Medical clearances
-Detailed worksheet on our finances
-FBI fingerprint clearances
-Child abuse clearances from THREE states
The fingerprint clearances and child abuse clearances still aren’t back yet. Our home study agency was given the wrong instructions for how to process the fingerprint clearance requests, so we had to start completely over. Since the child abuse clearances are coming from three different states, Lord only knows how long all that will take.

Finances Update
We’re running out of money. Not literally, as in we can’t pay our bills. But we’ve spent a lot more on this process than we’d anticipated. Costs are piling up and we’re having a hard time keeping up with some of them. James is supposed to talk to someone from the a group on base to help offset some of the attorney’s fees or maybe the travel/lodging expenses associated with traveling out-of-state to pick up Lauren. I don’t know. I’m not holding my breath. In addition to the upfront cost to the agency for helping us find a birthmother, we’ve also had to fork out our hard-earned money for:
-Home Study
-FBI fingerprint requests
-Overnight shipping (required) FBI fingerprint requests to the FBI and then back to us
-Child abuse clearance requests
-Attorney for birthmother
-Attorney for us
-Birthmother’s monthly living expenses including 5-7 therapy sessions (which I'm very glad she'll be getting, but I just wish they weren't so expensive)

Baby Gear Update
We still have next to nothing that we need, not even the barest essentials. We have a place for Lauren to sleep (pack-n-play for while we're out-of-state, bassinet for home) and a place for her to sit (car seat, baby sling, and the glider that my parents bought). I ordered the diaper bag and thank God I found it on eBay for $30 cheaper than the retail price. I’ve also ordered two cloth diapers. But that’s all we’ve got. No bottles, no formula, no blankets, no clothes, no pacifiers, no bibs, no wipes, and not enough diapers (we still need newborn disposables for while we're out-of-state). A friend from church gave us some adorable hand-me-down baby clothes from the university we both attended. But Lauren will look a little silly if she wears a too-big cheerleader outfit every single day of the week. My plan WAS to buy a little bit at a time over the course of several months to spread out the cost. But SOMEONE who shall remain nameless (JAMES!!) insisted that we wait until the home study was 100% complete. Good thing I didn’t listen to him. It looks now like the home study won’t be finished until mid-September and our birthmother will be at nearly 35 weeks by then!

I don’t mean to complain or to endlessly rant like this but I am so completely overwhelmed right now and I really need to vent. I don’t know how I am going to do this. I’m freaking out, I really am. And there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I’m a planner, it’s just what I do. Having a newborn is going to be stressful enough and there isn’t a lot I can control about that. What I can control is how well prepared I am to deal with whatever comes up in those first few weeks. Diaper changes and feedings at 2 AM won’t be nearly so bad if I have a well-stocked changing table set up and several bottles in the fridge waiting to be warmed. But I don’t and I’m afraid that I won’t have it when I need it.

I’m getting a headache. I think I need to lie down.

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