The Death of My Self-Esteem

First of all, I do not recommend that ANYONE try to sell a house when waiting to adopt a baby. Conversely, don't try to adopt a baby while you're also trying to sell your house. It's absolutely terrible for self-esteem, at least it is for mine. This is going to sound stupid to some people, but I'm going to say it anyway because it's what I'm feeling and it's honest. Adoption is hard on the self-esteem when you've had to wait for months and months, it just comes with the territory. We've been waiting since the disruption for roughly seven months. Every time I call our agency to find out how things are going, they tell me that our websites are getting lots of hits and that our profile has gone out to lots of birthmothers and that everything looks great! Um, well yeah... but we're still waiting. Clearly that means there's something wrong with us and we'll never get picked to adopt a baby! Well no, but it can feel like that sometimes. And when the months of waiting drag on and on and on... it can be easy to let those thoughts into my head. But I have to remind myself that our baby is out there somewhere, we just haven't figure out where he/she is going to come from... or when. 

In a strange way, selling a house can elicit the same sorts of feelings. Your home says a lot about who you are. And if you've put as much into your home as I've put into ours, it can be hard to take any sort of criticism from realtors or potential buyers. Each time a potential buyer comes to a showing and decides to go with some other house, it's like a slap in the face. Well, not exactly like a slap in the face, but it's still a rejection. Whatever the reason, they're still rejecting us again and again and again. And while it's not anything personal, it's still frustrating and hard to cope with sometimes. 

Combine the two situations and you've got the perfect storm. Everyday is a new rejection. (And I won't even begin to touch on the old issues this brings up for me.) No baby, no offers on the house. Nothing. And there's nothing we can do about it. Nada. But maybe that's the point. Maybe this whole scenario is a lesson for me in patience. I've said for a long time that my greatest flaw is my terrible impatience. I've always been like that. When I want what I want, I want it NOW. Not ten minutes from now, not tomorrow, not next year. NOW! But I can't always have what I want now, obviously. And I keep saying that I've learned the importance of being patient, but clearly I haven't because it's still driving me totally batty! 

What can I say except that I'm a work in progress? At least I am able to acknowledge my flaws and how important it is to change them. I know that eventually someone will fall in love with our house and want to buy it. And in my heart I know that our perfect birthmother is out there somewhere, waiting for us as much as we are waiting for her. Hopefully I'll be able to endure this time of waiting with at least a little bit of grace and poise.