Thursday, May 20, 2010


I've been debating for a few days whether or not to write about this. My first instinct was that I should, but I was hesitant and then got side-tracked with the more mundane elements of my daily life. I had a dream about our first birthmother a few nights ago. I don't remember very much of it anymore, except that I went to go see her at her home. She invited me inside with a warm smile and said that she was so glad I was able to come. I don't know if the dream was my mind replaying the memory our last meeting or if it was something else entirely. Certainly our first, and last, meeting with her wasn't quite that warm. James and I were nervous and a little tense, mostly out of concern that the volatile and unpredictable birthfather might show up during our visit. I don't know if she was still pregnant in the dream or not, so maybe it was my subconscious imagining how things could have been with her if she hadn't kept the baby and totally shut us out of her life.

Even though I don't remember much about the dream except for seeing her face, it made me wonder if she ever thinks about me anymore. The last that we ever heard from her was the day we went to visit. Our agency spoke to her on the phone the next day but that was the last that either of us heard from BM. The only other communication we had with her was through her attorney two days later after the birth. BM never responded to any phone calls or emails after that, from either Mary or myself. I have no idea how she's been since October or how/if she has been paying her bills. For all I know, she could be living on the street and the baby was taken away by child services to be put into the foster system... or she could be happily reconciled with the birthfather and living a wonderful life as if we'd never been part of it. I'll probably never know.

I think about her all the time. How could I not? Her story was so sad. But she never really fully connected with me during our four month match period. That was partly my fault, of course, because I was so deathly afraid of the power she held over our lives. But at the same time, she struck me as someone who was totally consumed with herself. She never asked me very many questions about James or myself. She never asked me why we decided on adoption, what our families thought about adoption, or anything about how we planned to raise the baby or even what we wanted to name her! She only ever wanted to talk about herself and the problems she was having with the birthfather. I should have noticed it during the match meeting (our first phone call). She didn't want to know anything about us. In fact, we didn't even talk all that much because BM just had so much she wanted to say about herself and her past. If I had been the one in her position, I would want to know everything I could about the adoptive couple I'd picked. But maybe that's just me. Should this have been a red flag? Is this something I should watch out for during our next match meeting?

I think about her and pray for her all the time. I hope that she was able to get her life together. I hope that she was able to get a job so she could take care of her two little girls. I hope that she's happy. I wonder if she ever thinks about me.

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